Sticking to your gunz {part two}

One time when I was in year 10, I lost my shit. It wasn’t just a standard ‘ohmygod I can’t do this’ moment, it was an uncontrollable outburst that saw me banging my head against a doorway until someone pulled me away.

I got to paint a banner for the rest of the day without having to go to class, because my careers advisor was legitimately worried about me. I’d got myself so IN to so many things, and I had such a vested interest in everything that by the time it all culminated, it wasn’t pretty.

Today was not dissimilar. I wasn’t uncontrollable – there were no chairs flying or head banging. But there was a culmination of months of job dissatisfaction and frustration, months of questioning my self worth, so many decisions to be made about what to do, when to go, where to go, what job to take and what options not to take.

I had decided to take the easy way. The easy decision. It was an easy, basic decision to make. 1st: my job is boring, unsatisfying and I’m not helping. 2nd: I don’t want to live in Mongolia. 3rd: Make decisions and stick to them.

So I decided I didn’t want to sit in my job for another 7 months. That meant that today in my quarterly review (that’s more like half way through), I said I want to leave at the end of October. This caused shit to fly because you need to give 6 weeks notice (I gave 7). And no one was expecting it. And people usually stay in their boring positions to save face and just ride of the fun times in Mongolia. I wasn’t willing to do that because we’re coming in to winter and there’s nothing fun about winter.

And then it got worse. My counterpart and my boss starting simultaneously yelling at me: where is your report, we told you to write report, we need 20 page report, why didn’t I know about your meetings with Ger to Ger, where is the report from Ger to Ger, you need to write a report, where are the reports, I see no reports.

It went on and I tried to reason a little. I don’t have reports on those things because I didn’t realise everything was so formal. If you want that kind of report, I can do them – now you’ve showed me what you want, that’s no problem. Now I have work to do (they gave me 3 things to work on 3 weeks ago), I can write reports on the things you gave me.

And then it became patronising. Apparently I wasn’t on the same page, and didn’t understand what they were talking about because I wasn’t listening. I need to write a 20 page report. A report, for each thing I do. A 20 page report. You wrote one in your degree, you told me you did a degree, you know how to write a report, where is the report.

I didn’t write a report: yes. Why, you may ask? Because I had nothing to write it on!! What would you write a report on, if I told you to write a report like a thesis. And that’s it. No scope, no reason, no topic. Just ‘write a report’. And no, I did not write a thesis in my degree as I didn’t complete honours and that’s not how it works in Australia!

In the midst of him talking in Mongolian to my volunteer managers, I left the room, went to the toilet, locked the door and sobbed. What else was I suppose to do? I moved to Mongolia to help, I came here with good intentions and if I had work to do, I’d smash it – I would work so hard to get it done, because that’s what I’m here to do. But I didn’t get work to do. Ever.

And I don’t need to be patronised, yelled at or interrogated in a job I’m not getting paid for and came here to help with.

So I sat in the toilet for a while and tried to gain my composure. I had no control. None at all. I tried thinking of nice, happy things and that made cry even more. I tried to think of rocks and trees and inanimate things and that didn’t help either. And then a colleague came in to check on me and I had to try to explain what’s wrong with my job. It’s not easy to explain, at all. So I’ve given up. People can think what they like. And then another lady came and soon there were four of us in the toilets, they were trying to organise things in Mongolian and I just kept crying.

Eventually we went back in the meeting room, and they’d made the horrible guy leave. We had a discussion about things that they want done. They discussed how they want them done and the outcomes they’re after. Piece of piss. If they had have told me that months ago, I could well be on my way to doing some proper help.  I can guarantee that had I not given them a time limit (of the end of October), nothing would have been said.

Now I have project proposals to write, examples to guide me. I have presentation topics, and guidance with that. Too easy. It’s not going to be easy to get it all done. The presentations are each what I’d usually spend about a month writing. The project proposal is a completely new concept to me, so that will also take a while. But I’m out of here. At the end of October, I am leaving my boring job and leaving Mongolia.

I feel terrible. So, so terrible. I feel helpless and useless and so alone. I’ve had a lot of people put in their two cents worth in regards to what I should do, and then I made my decision. I doubt my decision making, I doubt my ability to do anything and I doubt myself, for not making the project work. It’s important to remember that I had no support or guidance in anything I was doing and it was entirely dissatisfying. And by making a decision and sticking to my guns, I’ve opened up months of opportunity for fun and satisfying times.

I’ve disappointed a lot of people as well as myself and I’ve allowed people to develop an attitude about me that is usually entirely untrue.

But too bad. I stuck to my guns. My easy decisions one, two, three. I’ve cried for four hours, ate a tin of carrots and peas, watched Gossip Girl and I feel I’m on the better side of it.

There are so many things in my head that I’m not capable of portraying. The devastation I feel towards everything is insurmountable and there’s no words that can accurately describe the shitness I feel.

Or felt. It’s starting to dissipate. Now I’ve made it clear that I won’t sit and do nothing for twelve months, I have things to do. I have work to do, flights to cancel (and not get money back for, boo), trips to plan, friends to farewell, bags to pack, sewing machines to sell and a lot of emotions to overcome and be at peace with before I leave.