Turkey Turkey!

Wholey shitballs!

It is REALLY fun to plan holidays!!!!!!!!

I'll end up going alone, unless mum comes too (hint hint) but either way, if I make up my mind where I'm going and when, other people can tag along at their whim.

So I started thinking Turkey. Then Morocco. Then Spain and Morocco. Then Turkey and Greek Islands. Then Nepal. Then Nepal and India. Then India and Tibet. Then Bhutan.

Now I'm back to Turkey and Morocco.

And why not fit them BOTH in......

Hell, when you've got a tax return that'll do it for you, why put it on the mortgage!

So we'll see.

And if you want to come along for the ride, let me know. I'd love some company.

A remnant of Tuesday

A video I filmed on Tuesday after I quit my volunteer position

I’m sitting at home alone, with internet in bursts of about ten minutes. Our net has been out for weeks and the internet guys won’t come round because they say it’s still working. I use the university internet across the road – it’s only on sometimes though

I have to wait for our water to arrive as it will arrive at ‘sometime on Saturday’ which is a real right pain in the ass. I’m going to write a presentation for work. And pay my phone bill after I can leave the house. And pack some stuff ready to post home.

No heater

I have a massive problem! Can you help me?
(me, thinking OH MAN what now)
My sister sent me some flowers, can you cook them?
(me thinking OHSHIT I can't make marzipan flowers!)
Here it is, I don't have a heater
(me, sighing a massive sigh of relief)

NO problem! You have a CAKE MIX and you don't have an OVEN to cook it. I can do that, sure thing!

The other day our cleaner went in to our house to clean. We've got an alarm that we disable as we enter the house but she obviously forgot the code to the alarm. I got a frantic text message from her saying:

"Hey I couldn't off the door's noisy how is off?"

Upon interpretation, it's actually a very simple, very clever text message for someone with very limited English. She's just saying:

"Hey, I couldn't {stop} the door's {alarm that makes a noisy noise}. How {do I turn it} off"

So that was simple to fix. I told her the alarm code and it turned off.

This week has been highlighted with me quitting my volunteer position and all the shitness that goes with it. Other things have happened though.

On Sunday I went to Mongolia's only 5 star hotel in Terelj National Park. Having been to Terelj before, I wasn't expecting much. Turns out it's definitely 5 star and is this Western paradise on the Terelj River. I went with a new friend that needed to check out the venue for a work function. They can afford to stay there ($230/night including breakfast). All other people who stay in Terelj pay 20,000turik ($17) per night for a bed in a ger. This was SO much fancier. They wanted to know if we would like a three, four or five course lunch option for the function. I was way out of my depth. I felt like a little kid in a lolly shop. It was SO beautiful. I was touching everything (didn't break anything) and smelling the flowers and looking at the view.

Tuesday morning I had my presentation for work. It went well. It did what I was hoping: introducing myself and how I grew up and studied and worked, to normalise myself and to make my knowledge more available.

Only one guy fell asleep. Two people left to answer phones. Two people answered phone calls during the presentation. One person had a conversation with someone else. Which all in all, isn't a bad result for Mongolia. It's pretty standard. I had a powerpoint presentation and some other aids I was using and I spoke for about an hour and a bit. The powerpoint wasn't see-able because the sun was shining right in. It was a bit of an issue because the WHOLE powerpoint was just photos so I could talk and engage with everyone. And also because pictures speak a thousand words and mostly no one wants to listen to me speak in English.

At the end we came up with some topics to talk about in the future. Some are easy (farm diversification ideas and successes from Australia; communication methods between rural communities in Australia). Some are more difficult (legislation and operation of stock selling and auctioneering; technical details on farming techniques used in Australia relevant to Mongolia). But we communicated. Yay for communication.

I've been busy emailing people about my specific presentation topics, hoping someone can give me some ideas and a bit of inspiration.

I've also been busy learning how to write a project proposal. I don't like being told what to do - ever - but this time, for some reason, I'm over it. I can do this proposal and I am pretty sure it might make them realise I'm not a silly 25yo girl. It won't be perfect and it won't have all the information they need as I am no budget specialist, but I can do it. 

Yesterday was a birthday party for a girl at work. It's her actual birthday today but lots of people were leaving to go on a work trip to the USA today, so party time was yesterday. At 5pm, there were two cakes, two bottles of vodka, lots of beers, peanuts and some other bits and pieces. Everyone had their own cups but the obligatory glass of vodka had to be passed around, from person to person. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. I got a bit drunk on Grey Goose vodka (turns out it's a lot easier to drink than shitty vodka) and then some red wine (that was opened with a lipstick holder and the cork was pushed in to the bottle). I left to have Japanese for dinner with a leaving volunteer and then headed home. It was actually a really lovely night. Dinner was really nice - totally chilled, no pressure, just chatting and having a lovely time.

This morning I got up early to make a cake for Khulan's birthday today. I put too much coffee in the icing but too bad. Turns out it probably doesn't matter as it seems she's too hungover to come in to work anyway. It won't go to waste so I don't really mind. 

It's sunny again at the moment. Sunny and warm (jumper and boots weather) enough to be comfortable and get around without freezing bits off.

I really want pasta for lunch. I don't often crave anything in Mongolia because I just instinctively know I can't get it. But I am craving some decent pasta, ideally with fresh basil pesto. I know the latter won't happen. There aren't many decent places to go for pasta around here...... I know of one place that I could go but it's in the opposite direction to where I have to pay my phone bill.

Last night I ate Japanese deep friend chicken that tasted like KFC chicken. On top they put this weird chopped up egg stuff. Together, it tasted like KFC chicken with mayonnaise deviled eggs on top.

I am the RSVP person for the AFL grandfinal in Mongolia. I don't mind at all, as long as I don't have to talk shop with anyone about AFL. My only experience with AFL was disappointing, and whilst I won't say no to a decent Australian expat event, I will draw the line at watching FOUR quarters of football that goes for HOURS. It's okay, I'll just drink and talk like I do at trivia. It's on October 1st (Nikki's birthday) and we're filling an entire bar. It's also no-alcohol day in Mongolia. The first day of every month is no-alcohol day. You can't buy, sell or drink it. Let's just say the rules are being overlooked..........

My current thoughts on the situation (MY situation) is:

It's sad I'm going, it's annoying everyone at work is much more approachable and willing to ask me to do things as a result of seeing me cry on Tuesday.

I'm not going to dwell on it anymore. I've done it (I've had many people say YAY Sally for sticking up for yourself and actually doing something about it), I am comfortable with my decision and I'm moving forth.

I am going to completely stop caring about losing money on flights to London/UB because it's not going to happen. I'm not going to stick around in UB for five weeks in winter just to use those flights. Instead, I am still thinking Sri Lanka or Turkey (if I have a travel buddy) or Spain and Morocco on a tour if I'm lonesome.

grey goose

My phone's been cut off again. I have been using the internet on my HTC Desire as a hotspot so I get internet on my computer (oh man, I'm never going back to a normal phone again, I love my HTC). Turns out it costs more than it used to on a different plan, so now I have to pay 50,000t (about $40) so I can use my phone again. Bugger.

Things are moving on. I've started to tell people I'm leaving Mongolia but that doesn't stop me from still wavering on my decision: should I go back to Australia, then on to Europe for a couple of months or should I go back to Australia to meet my nephew and then use all my flight as per their original intention thereby not wasting any money.

Who cares about the money, you say. I do. I do. I do. I will lose my return flights to Australia and to London.  That's a lot of dresses at Cue, a lot of eating at nice restaurants, a lot of petrol, a nice cruise

ah shit

it's someone's birthday and I just had the equivalent of 5 shots of grey goose vodka and now I'm drinking red wine that was opened with a lipstick case - the cork was pushed in to the bottle and it's floating like a boat
Now I'm going to research international study options for Mongolians so my friend can come live with me.
And I gave the little kid in the office who just started kindergarten a roo pin. She loves it. I love it! I'm also pretty pissed.

Sticking to your gunz {part two}

One time when I was in year 10, I lost my shit. It wasn’t just a standard ‘ohmygod I can’t do this’ moment, it was an uncontrollable outburst that saw me banging my head against a doorway until someone pulled me away.

I got to paint a banner for the rest of the day without having to go to class, because my careers advisor was legitimately worried about me. I’d got myself so IN to so many things, and I had such a vested interest in everything that by the time it all culminated, it wasn’t pretty.

Today was not dissimilar. I wasn’t uncontrollable – there were no chairs flying or head banging. But there was a culmination of months of job dissatisfaction and frustration, months of questioning my self worth, so many decisions to be made about what to do, when to go, where to go, what job to take and what options not to take.

I had decided to take the easy way. The easy decision. It was an easy, basic decision to make. 1st: my job is boring, unsatisfying and I’m not helping. 2nd: I don’t want to live in Mongolia. 3rd: Make decisions and stick to them.

So I decided I didn’t want to sit in my job for another 7 months. That meant that today in my quarterly review (that’s more like half way through), I said I want to leave at the end of October. This caused shit to fly because you need to give 6 weeks notice (I gave 7). And no one was expecting it. And people usually stay in their boring positions to save face and just ride of the fun times in Mongolia. I wasn’t willing to do that because we’re coming in to winter and there’s nothing fun about winter.

And then it got worse. My counterpart and my boss starting simultaneously yelling at me: where is your report, we told you to write report, we need 20 page report, why didn’t I know about your meetings with Ger to Ger, where is the report from Ger to Ger, you need to write a report, where are the reports, I see no reports.

It went on and I tried to reason a little. I don’t have reports on those things because I didn’t realise everything was so formal. If you want that kind of report, I can do them – now you’ve showed me what you want, that’s no problem. Now I have work to do (they gave me 3 things to work on 3 weeks ago), I can write reports on the things you gave me.

And then it became patronising. Apparently I wasn’t on the same page, and didn’t understand what they were talking about because I wasn’t listening. I need to write a 20 page report. A report, for each thing I do. A 20 page report. You wrote one in your degree, you told me you did a degree, you know how to write a report, where is the report.

I didn’t write a report: yes. Why, you may ask? Because I had nothing to write it on!! What would you write a report on, if I told you to write a report like a thesis. And that’s it. No scope, no reason, no topic. Just ‘write a report’. And no, I did not write a thesis in my degree as I didn’t complete honours and that’s not how it works in Australia!

In the midst of him talking in Mongolian to my volunteer managers, I left the room, went to the toilet, locked the door and sobbed. What else was I suppose to do? I moved to Mongolia to help, I came here with good intentions and if I had work to do, I’d smash it – I would work so hard to get it done, because that’s what I’m here to do. But I didn’t get work to do. Ever.

And I don’t need to be patronised, yelled at or interrogated in a job I’m not getting paid for and came here to help with.

So I sat in the toilet for a while and tried to gain my composure. I had no control. None at all. I tried thinking of nice, happy things and that made cry even more. I tried to think of rocks and trees and inanimate things and that didn’t help either. And then a colleague came in to check on me and I had to try to explain what’s wrong with my job. It’s not easy to explain, at all. So I’ve given up. People can think what they like. And then another lady came and soon there were four of us in the toilets, they were trying to organise things in Mongolian and I just kept crying.

Eventually we went back in the meeting room, and they’d made the horrible guy leave. We had a discussion about things that they want done. They discussed how they want them done and the outcomes they’re after. Piece of piss. If they had have told me that months ago, I could well be on my way to doing some proper help.  I can guarantee that had I not given them a time limit (of the end of October), nothing would have been said.

Now I have project proposals to write, examples to guide me. I have presentation topics, and guidance with that. Too easy. It’s not going to be easy to get it all done. The presentations are each what I’d usually spend about a month writing. The project proposal is a completely new concept to me, so that will also take a while. But I’m out of here. At the end of October, I am leaving my boring job and leaving Mongolia.

I feel terrible. So, so terrible. I feel helpless and useless and so alone. I’ve had a lot of people put in their two cents worth in regards to what I should do, and then I made my decision. I doubt my decision making, I doubt my ability to do anything and I doubt myself, for not making the project work. It’s important to remember that I had no support or guidance in anything I was doing and it was entirely dissatisfying. And by making a decision and sticking to my guns, I’ve opened up months of opportunity for fun and satisfying times.

I’ve disappointed a lot of people as well as myself and I’ve allowed people to develop an attitude about me that is usually entirely untrue.

But too bad. I stuck to my guns. My easy decisions one, two, three. I’ve cried for four hours, ate a tin of carrots and peas, watched Gossip Girl and I feel I’m on the better side of it.

There are so many things in my head that I’m not capable of portraying. The devastation I feel towards everything is insurmountable and there’s no words that can accurately describe the shitness I feel.

Or felt. It’s starting to dissipate. Now I’ve made it clear that I won’t sit and do nothing for twelve months, I have things to do. I have work to do, flights to cancel (and not get money back for, boo), trips to plan, friends to farewell, bags to pack, sewing machines to sell and a lot of emotions to overcome and be at peace with before I leave.

Stick to your gunz

Ah god, I feel terrible.

I just had to tell my volunteer manager that I want to leave at the end of October. She tried everything. There's a cultural difference, you're not used to doing not much at work, the first six months are always slow and in those months you figure out what you can do and then later you start doing them, it's too soon to leave, you need six weeks notice (there are seven).

And she's right. But so am I. It's my time and if nothing has happened thus far and I don't see anything I can help with in the foreseeable future (and I mean forever), there's no reason for me to sit at my desk any longer.

Winging it

I have opted for a new approach. I think thus far I have lived my life making decisions like I'm third speaker on a school debate team. I look at every single option, consequence and way out.

So, this time I'm not. I have already researched and made lists on plenty of options but now I choose to wing it. I choose to make easy decisions. Easy decisions like: I don't like living in Mongolia. I could have a great career here. I could earn lots of money. But I don't like living here, so that option's out.

I choose to end my volunteer assignment early. It's not an easy decision but I am not enjoying it and have not enjoyed it since I started six months ago. The general trend tells me nothing's going to change and I choose to easy option of not thinking about consequences or regrets, but choosing to get out of it purely because I don't enjoy it.

Now I just have to do it.

I have to say: No, I don't want to live in Mongolia. No, I don't want to work in a job that sounds boring. No, I don't have to continue working in a boring job to prove a point. Yes, I do want to live in a safe country. Yes, I do want to be close to my family. Yes, I do want a stable life.

(easier said than done!)